i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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