I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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