it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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