i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
