I am puke
Betty ford says i'm here all night
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
