my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
