I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
