i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
