my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
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We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
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My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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