I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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