Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
i think i just lost a toe
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
