my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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