Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
