im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
