the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
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as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
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On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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