Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
