I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
