why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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