I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
