god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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