im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
