No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
