Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
