he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
