i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
