This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He passed out mid-signature
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
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