apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
