I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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