I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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