Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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