Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
