Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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