Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
