Ambien. No doubt about it.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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