I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
