Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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