exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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