i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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