oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
