Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Green mimosas i think yes
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
