If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
