why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
