She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
