wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
