On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize