My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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