did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
