If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
