Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I can't turn off my feet"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
