Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
