Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
