Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Randomize
