Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
