Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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