You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
