I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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