The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
