I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
