So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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